By Christina Roasting
One of the hardest things about being an adult, is being able to manage your life and deciding what in your life is actually manageable. It sounds like a simple enough concept when you first approach it. However, it takes a deeper meaning when you start to apply it to yourself. What do you view as being manageable?
Self control plays a huge part in deciding what falls under manageable. Sometimes certain habits take control of your interests then become a focal point, and you start to let things slide. You decide what’s manageable based on what keeps the habits going, or you become okay with what those habits start to deteriorate in your life. It could be in a social aspect, like isolating and avoiding family or friends. Or, perhaps financially, as some habits cost more than others to maintain, and money starts losing its fundamental value for day to day living. Managing the habits becomes more important than anything else, and everything else is trivial.
It only starts to become alarming when life starts to become less about manageability and more about survivability. It takes a lot for some people to realize they’ve reached that point. Sometimes it takes as much as losing your housing to become aware that you’ve ultimately become powerless, and allowed yourself, in turn, to become unmanageable. That’s when survivability becomes the issue.
In my case, losing my housing was the cold water that I needed. I had let my own habits become the ruling factor in my life. Not all at once, but slowly, like slipping at first and then in the end it became a sickening fall. I became totally unmanageable, even eating had become a struggle for me. Even at this point I was in a state of denial, and it took me a lot of self-insight and reevaluation to admit to myself that I had made so many mistakes. It sounds painfully obvious, of course it was my fault, but when you spend so long on being numb to responsibility it takes a bit to let that arrogant attitude go. Learning how to care again was a hardship. Caring meant letting myself hurt again and letting guilt and remorse back into my head. Self-realization was incredibly terrifying.
Fear suddenly became a life saver for me. I started to fear the loss I had accrued becoming permanent. I feared being stuck in the situation I was in for an extended amount of time, and over all I feared not being able to overcome my own shortcomings and not being able to improve myself. Fear, however, is manageable. Self-doubt can be a good thing, as long as you’re willing to push past and take that doubt as a motivator to prove yourself wrong. Fear can show us what our values are, and push us to do what needs to be done to keep ourselves in check. It is an amazing self-motivator.
Re-gaining manageability is a hard task to accomplish, and sometimes it means asking for help. During my lowest point I made a spontaneous decision to meet up with a support group. I was very afraid and nervous but hearing what they had to say really resonated within me, it spoke to me on a very emotional level. They said things out loud that I had been too afraid to think to myself in private. They told truths that I had let myself forget. The first time I met with them I wanted so badly to cry, but I still didn’t have the emotional capacity to let myself.
Meeting with this group is what opened me up to positivity. I saw these amazing individuals who all had a story to tell, and opinions to share, and that made me feel hopeful. I started to think, to let myself dream. I wanted to be more than what I was, I wanted to be all I could be. I wanted a happy ending.
Inspiration runs the world. I’m grateful to have the supports that I have in place now, not because I can’t do it alone, but because I don’t have to. Letting people into your life helps you get out of your head, they can give you a boost up when you’re sad. Sometimes that’s all you need; depression has a heavy hand. Letting people inspire you builds hope, and hope inspires life. I may not have much wisdom myself, and I am still waiting for that to come with time but I know enough to say that I still have a long way to go. I’m okay with having to put in the work, and with time I’m regaining myself, and starting to manage my life. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still want to hide myself and numb my emotions, but I want to live even more, I choose life, even if it’s just one day at a time.