By Christina Roasting
I think about Peter Pan often, about the concept of growing up; and what it means to be a grown up. Quite frankly I still don’t quite grasp the concept. We all grow up in our own ways but what frustrates and puzzles me, is that its rarely ever in the same ways. Each of us go through our own personal gauntlets, and come out of them changed for the better or for the worst. And with that we discover how to fix our mistakes, eventually. For some of us it takes a little while longer, a few more trial and errors before we start to let the life lesson become a life lesson. But eventually you start to get the idea.
As a teenager my idea of growing up, was becoming boring and docile and lack lustre, no adult around me seemed to love the idea of being a grown up so why should i? I revolted against the idea and I think that’s what set me on a not so awesome path. I did everything I could to ignore the concept of growing up, I went full on Peter Pan. I rarely went to school, all I did was play video games and I avoided the general public as much as possible. Basically the boring life of every teenager I'm sure, sounds harmless right?
Fast travel to the end of high school, sure I graduated just fine but I was still a complete lazy arse. It took me ages to find a Job, and I was so socially awkward I couldn’t kill a fly even if I wanted to. Having no social skills and a piss poor work ethic was the most terrible way to start being an adult. But I was slowly learning at that point, my idea of being a grown up was getting a little more realistic. I wanted a better paying job, more manageable hours and a decent place to live in with my friends. Even if we basically starved at the time, but it was a great time.
I got a little ahead of myself though, I made a few very fast paced quick decisions, drastically changed my life in many ways and boom I was suddenly way more of an adult then I ever intended to be. Yay for spontaneity. My idea of being grown up hadn’t even had a chance to catch up to the level of grown up that I was. It was amazing, best time of my life. I excelled and accomplished allot, for a time, then the harsh reality of being a gown up was suddenly too much, I had overwhelmed my brain to the point of breaking. Too literally I admit, I spent almost 2 weeks in a psych ward, then because I refused to admit there was something wrong and worth fixing, I started losing pieces of my life.
My idea of being a grown up was so torn up, I wanted so desperately to be someone I wasn’t ready to be that I refused to admit that certain areas of myself needed fixing. In order to be a grown up you cant skip past the hard parts, sadly. I tried to cut so many corners, the structure of my life started caving in on itself.
I started to lose my concept of growing up again, I lost the vision that I had had for myself and started having troubling working on the parts of myself that were still under repair. Sometimes when times get tough you think that by not acknowledging where you’re going wrong, maybe its not going so bad, maybe everything's okay and if you just keep coasting along things will just fix themselves on their own. But that’s wrong, at least in my experience. By not caring enugh to pay attention to what I needed help with, I screwed myself over. Its not about being vulnerable, its about being honest and taking a good hard look at who you are in the moment and realizing what weaknesses you have. Most importantly its abut taking those weaknesses and instead of avoiding them, addressing them and facing them head on and building upon them.
That’s when the concept of being a gown up becomes real. When you begin to realize that’s its about honest self- reflection and dedication in becoming the better you that you want to be. Grabbing a hold of life and really paying attention to what it has to offer and what you can make of it. It sounds extremely cheesy but when you get to the nitty gritty of it, its true.
I screwed up by assuming I could just coast along, I took advantage of what life gave me and in the sad end of it all, I lost everything that ever made me happy. But I'm growing up, my concept of growing up is changing and im starting to build myself back up. Like I said, we all grow up differently.